Gary Ashley's Series of Unfortunate Events Part #2

Part #2: “Trapped in a Mall with No Zombies to Shoot"

Saturday August 25th, 7:20 am - Wake up with hair not combed but hat on, Showered the night before to save time in the morning. Dad of course is still not ready.

Saturday August 25th, 8:30 am - Half-awake and malnourished, left the house for Sears with dad in separate cars. So totally did not adjust to dad time, where no sense of urgency adds 1.5 hours to the original mentioned time. Battery thankfully stays alive.

Saturday August 25th, 8:56 am - Dad has me drive in reverse into a parking space, which I may add the entire lot is near empty. I drive in reverse and pull forward into the spot while he yells at me for not being close while backing up.

Saturday August 25th, 8:57 am - "Leave a small crack in your window so it doesn't get humid." F*** the windows, I shut the car off.

Saturday August 25th, 9:00 am to 9:15 am - Our associate today is Ian; he does the paperwork and has my keys for the mechanics to look over. Best-case scenario is just the battery needs changed. The mechanics look it over, that will take about 45 minutes.

Saturday August 25th, 9:40 am - All of the main mall stores are closed, just the fringe department stores. While half-awake I saunter into K-Mart and walk around aimlessly killing time in the sporting goods section with the MP3 player on. Electric Six saved my life today.

Saturday August 25th, 10:02 am - The alternator (the thing that charges the battery) needs replaced with parts and labor totaling $400. Dad puts it on his credit card and I'll have to pay that back. The Gospel according to Sears Associate Ian says that it will take approximately 3 hours to get done and he'll call my cell phone when they're done. A bit problematic when I discover that I'm down to only one bar on my cell phone, and if it dies on me then I'm really screwed.

Saturday August 25th, 10:14 am - Eat'n Park to cure the undernourishment of only a couple grapes for breakfast. During the course of the meal the guy behind me is complaining about his wife treating him like dirt. While still upset from the $400 price tag earlier, I think to myself, "Yeah I'll divorce you...right out of your seat and INTO THE FRICKIN WALL!!!" Those thoughts changed when the food arrived.

Saturday August 25th, 11:00 am to 12:56 am - Dad is on a wild goose chase for these work gloves he found online, so naturally with time to be killed he drives to about 3 different stores to find them. Oblivious to the heat I catch up on sleep even with the car off and the windows up.

Saturday August 25th, 1:10 pm - The afternoon heat and humidity get the best of me at the worst possible place: Big Lots. You see dad is like a kid in a candy store in Big Lots (and other discount merchandise chains) and scopes out most every item in the store. All four power windows are up except for the little crack in the windows but he has the keys. I figured I could open the door, walk in and enjoy the air conditioning BUT NO the car alarm goes off. YES. THE CAR ALARM which dad must have phantom set during the previous events while opening up FROM THE INSIDE. Obviously complicating the situation is the lack of a "turn the f****** car alarm off" button on the dash or for that matter any location in the interior. Said alarm goes off after 5 minutes of annoying random parking lot shoppers. I'm trapped inside the car like some breed of dog the size of a football. Dad arrives while I attempt to open the sunroof with a screwdriver.

Saturday August 25th, 1:30 pm - We have problems. Chevrolet out sources the layout of their interiors to Iceland and they make wacky designs for the sole purpose of causing hell to certified mechanics everywhere. Because of said complications the repair will take much longer than expected. Current mood at this point: murderous.

Saturday August 25th, 1:45 pm - Walking around a shopping mall or any public place for that matter completely mad is not exactly a good thing. Neither is the desire to tell the HDTV’s to lay off me buying them because I just dumped $400 on dad's credit card to be stuck looking at you. Here, have a high-velocity baseball bat, crystal-clear Norah Jones.

Saturday August 25th, 1:56 pm - Powerball tickets at K-Mart. Thank you elderly lady in front of us for not knowing how to use a debit card and cashier lady for being overly nice with a louder than normal volume. Then again now I'm puzzled as to why the elderly play the lottery when in actuality it says "Benefits older Pennsylvanians." Someone's garden-hosing somewhere.

Saturday August 25th, 2:05 pm - This asshole on the K-Mart loudspeaker babbles on for 5 minutes and gets overly technical with a 30% off sale.

Saturday August 25th, 2:10 pm - I audibly whisper "SHUT THE FUCK UP THANK YOU" in the shoe section once he’s done.

Saturday August 25th, 2:30 pm - Progress is being made in that we get to walk into the operating room. One thing I've learned is that at any time when they lead you out of the reception area and into the work zone, then that's a good sign. Our mechanic (who seriously could pass for a high school student, if so I hope he's trained well) shows us where the alternator in the car is located: behind the right front wheel, behind the wheel axle, and up above in there somewhere. I'd draw a diagram but it would probably contain obscenities. The mechanic says it will take 30-45 minutes to get the axle and wheel back on.

Saturday August 25th, 2:35 pm - Seeing is how I have a better timetable and still with life on the cell phone, I give Sara a call for emotional support after texting her saying that I was in hell. She leaves for work at 3 pm. It would've been better on my part to have called her and made plans oh say, 3 hours ago. And if you're reading this Sara, thanks for the emotional support. Plus it was convenient to have the auto section next to the outdoor patio furniture. Sunrooms, baby!

Saturday August 25th, 2:55 pm - One last pass through the mall makes me realize that going to the mall sucks when 1) You have no money to buy things or 2) There are no zombies to shoot.

Saturday August 25th, 3:10 pm - Car is fixed and Capital One has the bill. Ian adds that the "brakes were a little spongy and we have a free brake evaluation going on right now." The first question I was going to say was "How long will this take?" and that's what she said but then "NO" was a better answer. And seriously Mr. Squarepants, what the f*** kind of description is "spongy"? Are you saying my car absorbs water? Yes it does on the seats, and thanks for asking bubs.

Saturday August 25th, 3:15 pm - Leave mall, head home. 9:00 am to 3:15 pm in the Indiana Mall and surrounding areas. Total time: 6 hours, 15 minutes.

10 Things I learned from Saturday alone:

1) Buy a car with a warranty, or as-is but have more money than the actual car price set aside for random parts that won't work or fall off when you get it.

2) To avoid pesky store clerks asking you if you need anything while in FTW-mode, play your MP3 player at the loudest volume level possible with headphones. Upon making eye contact with the clerk make a non-verbal gesture similar to "stand" in blackjack.

3) If you ever find yourself trapped in a shopping mall, start hunting for zombies.

4) If there are no zombies in said shopping mall, become one.

5) Do not feel ashamed crying in the stall of the men's bathroom while in the fetal position. This did not happen, but had the price or time been larger it would've been done.

6) High Definition television is for pussies and baseball bats.

7) Suppress murderous rage by watching the free banjo and guitar show in the concourse.

8) Inflate murderous rage by taking a chair to the people on stage.

9) You will always get some humorous satisfaction from the merchandise on sale at Spencer's Gifts. However, it no longer becomes funny the moment you buy it.

10) When driving a modern Icelandic-assembled car, any ballpark time figure becomes triple.

Gary Ashley's Series of Unfortunate Events Part #1

Part #1: The Prequel

To some of you I have already mentioned that at the late age of 23 I officially own my very first car, a black 1995 Chevy Lumina that according to the dealer "was top of the line back in the day." While it is a new and exciting feeling that comes with it, I have also at the same time unleashed the gates of hell into an unfathomable amount of stress, suffering, and lost time and money that will come from future repairs.

And I am making this statement after only owning it for 3 days.

Here's the course of events that lead up to this post:

Thursday, August 16th, 3:00 pm - Mom calls me at work (she was driving her car, usually I take it to work) saying that the radiator died and took a monumental pee in the parking lot of Dollar General. Given the situation, I would've done that without the car.

Friday, August 17th, 5:00 pm - With the car out of action and weekend plans involving individual means of transportation out the window, dad has to pick me up from work but completely forgets about it in an apparent miscommunication.

Friday August 17th, 6:05 pm - Arrive home after late pickup. Would have probably been arrested for loitering if a cop came by.

Monday August 20th, 7:00 pm - Bumming rides off people may have worked in high school but it doesn't when you're employed full time and have a social life. Canceled on Improv practice and later bowling with friends (though the latter would've originally been canceled by the former) to shop for a new car.

Tuesday August 21st, 3:15 pm - Leave work early to attend dentist appointment, this time picked up on time by dad. Though I have no health insurance, I figured since I have the money and haven't seen them in about a year and a half it was time to get the teeth checked over.

Tuesday August 21st, 3:46 pm - Going to the dentist was a lot cheaper and with less paperwork when I was a kid. $157 and a new toothbrush later I find the set of car keys to one of the other cars I looked at last night in my coat pocket. Honest Abe kicks in.

Tuesday August 21st 4:10 pm - Return car keys to dealer, receive word that the black Lumina is ready for a test drive. Cue the Beastie Boys.

Wednesday August 22nd 2:20 pm - Work-related delivery to Indiana enables me to mess with the features of the car. Window defogger is massive; CD player still needs a tryout.

Thursday August 23rd, 5:15 pm - The paperwork is finalized, and after many "Gary V. Ashley" signatures and writing the largest check I have ever written in my life, I am the proud owner of a used car. First unnecessary thoughts: hard guy photo shoot, rims, high-bass stereo system with gangster folk music

Friday August 24th, 5:16 pm - While cashing a check at the bank, the car's battery dies on me at the intersection of the road near said bank. Dad gets called with jumper cables and arrives while I play traffic cop. Upon the first jump it gets me to about 0.3 miles to my house before dying again requiring a second jump. It then dies in the driveway parked.

Friday August 24th, 7:30 pm - Dad recharges the battery, which is with something old because it has a Monty Ward sticker on it so you know it was from a while ago. He then says that the car needs looked at, thus he makes plans for us to go to Sears the next day. The closest Sears is 20 miles away and the wakeup time is 7 am. The normal wake time for work is at 7:30 am. Saturday was supposed to be my day to sleep in and do nothing with all the crap that's happened this week.

TO BE CONTINUED, END OF PART #1

A letter to my friends

Dear MySpace bulletin forwarders, particularly two of you,

I would like to thank you both for bumming me out totally last Sunday afternoon with your slideshow of bludgeoned and bloodied baby seals with the harsh message that baby seal clubbing is both not a sport and is barbaric. To that I say you are correct; much like Paul Page commenting on Joey Chestnut beating Kobayashi at hot dog eating on July 4th, Baby seal clubbing is not a sport.

(Side note: you know seriously if you close your eyes and listen to Page, a former Indy car play-by-play analyst, you can imagine Kobayashi and Chestnut chasing after each other in Oscar Meyer Weinermobiles.)

While I do appreciate the thought of you two making me lose my appetite scrolling down through bold text and bloody seal pictures, you both are my friends (for now) so I will let it slide. However I remained puzzled as to the message the bulletin is trying to tell me:

1) "Gary, stop clubbing baby seals." uhhhhhhhhhh ok first off, the closest baby seal that lives within a reasonable geographic distance is at the zoo in Pittsburgh. The attempt to do so would be instantly thwarted by the following in order of lethality: fence, security guard, electric fence, other adult seals, other adult seals underwater, harpoon gun. The message confuses me also in that it tells me to stop clubbing the young the cute and the cuddly. So does that mean adult seals are fair game? Taking a wiffleball bat to Shamu at Sea World isn't gonna bat an eye, pun intended?

2) "Gary, stop other people from clubbing baby seals." uhhhhhhhhh ok first off, I've been a MySpace member for about 2 years now and at no point has anyone on any MySpace profile (without searching mind you) listed "baby seal clubbing" as an interest.

3) "Gary, protect the baby seals from being clubbed." What am I, some kinda arctic Captain Planet with a rocket launcher? And why pee in someone else's Kool-Aid about it when there are other priorities faceing the planet that are much larger in scale and still related to baby seals? Examples: global warming, which melts the ice caps and kills baby seals; world hunger, causing people to kill baby seals to eat because they have no other food; Gary's student loans, which if not being paid will...ok maybe that's not baby seal related but you get the idea.

Sometimes you have to wonder where these bulletin forwards originate and no doubt that this one was jotted up by someone who wanted to alienate their friends by pushing a cause too aggressively upon them and consequently bumming out their Sunday afternoons. Those people who agreed, half quarter or whole heartedly, passed it on to their friends and the cycle continues. My point is that yes clubbing baby seals is a problem and there's nothing wrong with supporting the cause to end it. My argument is that you do not need to push it so aggressively upon your peers. So for those two who bummed out my Sunday, I'll let it go this time. As for anyone else, I've made my case about it and would appreciate no more bummed out Sundays thanks to dead baby seals. k? thx.

Your MySpace friend,
Gary Ashley

Buddy Blackstone Webcam Sessions - James Blunt: You're Beautiful

"It's time I got a little 'Bluntly' honest with this song with the assistance of a bottle of Windgate. My heart's like a poorly-wrapped '#1 Grandma' coffee mug."

2007 Twin Lakes Celebrity Showdown NOW ON DVD!

TM2 Productions presents their first independently produced DVD, the 2007 Twin Lakes Celebrity Showdown. The event from May 28th, 2007 contains over 45 minutes of total footage including:

- A broadcast version of all 9 holes to follow the action
- Top Shots: a countdown of the best shots of the event
- Biff Reel: montage of the worst shots and comedic moments
- The original web trailer with DVD quality

This DVD comes with a case and packaging and is available for a reasonable donation plus shipping and handling (if applicable). Proceeds from the DVD help benefit future TM2 DVD releases.

If you are interested in obtaining a copy please e-mail me at tm2productions@hotmail.com

The week America went more stupider.

If they ever run some BS scientific study in the near future on which calendar month do people act the least intelligent, I would place my money on June. Think about it, it's the first month of the year where the temperature goes from comfortable to "I want a building with air conditioning." The average person outside of a warmer state (which explains why Fark.com has it's own "Florida" tag) has their dumb moments sparsely year round. But this week alone took it in like a crane game grabbing a sofa.

1) Paris Hilton (which I will hereby refer to with a national capital/hotel chain combination, or simply as "YOU WHORE!") was released from jail today and will serve out her 45 day prison sentence under house arrest at her lavish, multi-million dollar home. The exact reason according to L.A. Police was that she "contracted a rash", something she has done plenty of times at various clubs in the men's bathroom. 45 days without leaving her house and I bet London Comfort Inn is like "OMG I SO BOOORRRED THIS HOUSE DOESN'T HAVE A CLUB!" Meanwhile a man is serving a 6 year prison sentence for posession of marijuana IN prison. I'm not advocating the legalization of weed, I'm advocating the possession of weed by YOU WHORE so she gets a longer prison sentence, this time IN prison. By the way, does anyone notice that "rehab" said backwards is "bar" with a heavy Boston accent? Once they get her for the probation violation, maybe next they can jail her for not changing facial expressions.

2) America's Got Talent on NBC is a crock of shit. There. I said it. The show is a bastard, one night stand unplanned lovechild of Star Search and American Idol. Does anyone find it completely defeating that a show, which aim is to find the most talented people in the United States, is being judged by two British people and David Hasselhoff, who had a musical career in Germany? Not too mention the show this year is hosted by Jerry Springer, who's talk show was named the worst show on television by TV Guide a couple years ago. If you think about most every talent-based reality competition out there, the judges follow this simple format:

-The Homeboy: The macho male judge who gets along with everyone
-The Diva: A former star who's had a hard life after being the spotlight. Is contractually forced to walk out of an audition at the protest of:
-The Britain: The bluntly-honest dickpunch of the trio
-The Mark McGrath: The celebrity guest judge who serves zero purpose in the outcome. Is usually played by Mark McGrath.

With this format it's lopsided because Sharon Osbourne is both a Diva and a Britain. When Simon insults someone on American Idol, it's deserved. When the Britain (Niels something I don't know who) on America's Got Talent insults an 8 year old kid on stage, that's just not right. I don't come to your son's Cricket games and chuck raisins at him. The only way we can counteract this is to send American modeling judges to the UK for "Britain's Got a Perfect Smile."

3) It's a great sign of the week when the new limited edition Oreos come out in stores, yet this time I think they're insulting our milk-plunging intelligence. They released "Oreo Dunkers," which are Oreos that are more rectangular in nature in comparison to the usual circular form. But the idiot part of the cookie, the cream filling if you will, is the cookie pictured on the front of the packaging which reads "Milk This Way" with down arrows. Has it really fallen to this point where we need directions as to the proper end to DUNK A FRICKIN COOKIE!? "Hmm, I'm not sure which side to put this Oreo in, I mean it is circular but there's so many angles" OH COME ON! This had to be a plea from parent groups because they ran some statistic like two people die each year from Oreo dunking-related deaths. Stick that in your 'pedia, Wiki.

Give it a few years. Someone's gonna build a respirator out of Legos. But the way this week is going, someone's building an automatic cookie dunker during her jail time while looking at shoes and guys online.

That's Hot. or Not.

What I found on YouTube tonight

4 Videos from YouTube that prove that NBC better find more Newlywed Game footage for their Wednesday night lineup.

1) STEVEN COLBERT IS A MURDIDDILYURDERER:

(FB)
Gary says: "In an alternative universe we would see Bill O'Reilly on Reno 911."

2) The 132nd running of the Preakness, The 1st running of the Preakness urinals:

(FB)
Gary says: "Watch the shirtless guy coming in from the left get absolutely Barbaro-ed in the face with a beer can."
"yeah I said it."
"oh come on the horse is fine!"

3) Meanwhile at the "Bro's in cargo Sho's" end of the infield, some guys attempt an ECW table dive:

(FB)
Gary says: "Where's the women in this video? Oh that's right, they're cavemen Bro's."
"We call them CroBro's."

4) And in the other race of insanity, the Gloucester, UK's Cooper's Hill cheese race where contestants run down a steep hill after a wheel of cheese:

Gary says: "Watch the guy in the blue shorts in the first race get KTFO. If the weather gets colder next year, they're raceing for Klondikes."
"yeah, I'd do that for a Klondike Bar."

(FB)

2007 Twin Lakes Celebrity Showdown: THIS SATURDAY!

Who: Defending Champion *shudder* Greg Reedy, Gary Ashley, and Ed Ashley with Penny Ashley and Sara Burleson
What: The 4th Annual 2007 Twin Lakes Celebrity Showdown Golf Tournament
Where: Twin Lakes Golf Course at the Belmont Complex - West Kittanning, PA
When: 2 pm Saturday May 26th, 2007

(Reedy's Post on the Event)

The golfers of the Twin Lakes Celebrity Showdown (TLCS) return to Kittanning for the 4th Annual 2007 Twin Lakes Celebrity Showdown, an event being taped and produced by TM2 Productions. Defending champion *shudder* Greg Reedy will be driving all the way from his home in Ridgway, PA to defend his title and make Gary look like an idiot. Gary Ashley, a 2-time TLCS Champion in 2004 and 2005, will seek revenge and good quality footage for him to edit for the forthcoming DVD. Gary's dad Edward Ashley will bring his golf bag on training wheels and provide his usual savvy golf knowledge of using a driver on a 70 yard hole.

From a production standpoint this year will involve the use of a tripod for more stable shots and the automatic camera setting, a faux pa of last year's footage coming out blurry. With the inclusion of additional battery life will result in more footage and more extra features. We can reveal that there will be drug testing before the event due to Gary's suspicion that Reedy was on steroids when he won last year. No formal DVD completion date has been announced at this time. In year's past a full broadcast, highlight shots, the famous "Biff Reel", and an online trailer have been provided to viewers.

In 2004 Gary Ashley won the inaugural TLCS against Greg Reedy by 8 shots in an event that was recorded with roughly 5 minutes of digital camera footage. The year 2005 saw a name change (The Twin Lakes Charity Showdown) and the use of better video equipment and editing software, plus the addition of Gary's dad Ed. Ed provided a great many memorable moments while Gary won the event by 6 shots over Reedy. 2006 was a bit of a slide on a production end as some of the footage came out blurry while Gary's mom Penny ran camera to much confusion. Reedy triumphed in the event as Gary got off to a horrible start losing both balls off the first tee. Reedy won the event by 2 shots.

What's in store for this year's 2007? Check back here for more details on the event, or see it live this Saturday at 2 pm!